I feel like I need to write about this. I’m supposed to be working but I’m struggling to concentrate and I just want to get it out.
My little sisters ex boyfriend committed suicide on Monday. He wouldn’t even have been 18 yet. This time last year my sister and him were together and he even came on holiday with us and he spent quite a lot of time at our house, and now he’s just not here anymore. I didn’t know him that well but for a time he was still part of our life and our familu and I just can not process the fact that he’s gone.
Its the fact that he did it himself. It’s so horrible and so violent and it is hurting so many people. My little sister is ill at the moment (not quite sure what but looks like it might be chronic fatigure syndrome) and she so did not need this. Its the worst news she could get and things are hard enough for her already. I love her so much and I just want to hug her and give her all my love, because this is just devastating news for everyone.
I can’t process the fact that this person I knew and spent time with is just gone. It’s so incredibly wrong. I found out by email yesterday when I was working in the office and I just burst into floods of tears straight away. Luckily Tim was there and came to comfort me and then took me home, but I just could not stop crying. It’s just so completely awful.
I think aswell because this is really my first experience of anyone I know dying. I don’t know how to grieve because I’ve never had to before. I just feel heavy and numb about it.
And its making me feel so guilty for ever trying to do the same thing when I was younger, because you just don’t realise how much it destroys everyone around you. I’m supposed to be teaching in his school on Wednesday and I’m just worried everyone there is going to be really affected by it.
Thankfully I’m going to stay with my little sister on Friday so at least then I’ll feel like I can show her love in real life. I just wish for everyone that this hadn’t happened. It’s such a waste of life and its heartbreaking.
I hope that wherever he is now he’ll be happier.